You only have to read the first line to know where i’m getting at so i’ll leave a title out!

As i scour the web for some advice and comments by people who have been there and done that, the rule of thumb from the crowd was that you never invite your ex(-es) to your weddings, except for “certain circumstances”. What “certain circumstances” mean ranges from courtesy to the downright dubious. Don’t know if you’re on to anything yet, but the general consensus is, “why bother?” if it ain’t making anyone happier. This the day you supposed to be the happiest, and you celebrate with the one you love the most, and the ONLY one you want to be with. Every other person’s feelings comes second. That includes your ex, and your parents. And definitely other assorted family members.

Perhaps the greatest trick to learn is to know how not to feel overwhelmed by the number of things that could go wrong at the wedding, so why add another to those possibilities? There’s an awful amount of politeness and correctness to be displayed, not to mention tact and organisational sense. And we’re not even stepping across the line to include children from previous relationships.

From thinly threading through message boards overseas and Malaysia, there’s an overall sense that my fellow country men/women would not give a heck, or even if they do, would still go ahead with their plans on who THEY want to invite. There’s so much courtesy involved in marriages in Asian customs which is primarily to be blamed for this. That’s just one thing, the other response breeds this idea; you think there’s nothing wrong about yourself inviting an ex over to your wedding, but the reverse situation is where all the alarm bells are ringing. And we tend not to hear it because it is often left unsaid. How many times do we, whether its the ladies or the men, put on a brave face and say “it’s ok” just so to make the counterparty feel better? So we don’t get into fights? This should not be one of ‘those times’. Not especially on your wedding day.

It’s surprising to see what our more “open minded western counterparts” have to say about this. Communication is seen as utmost importance, rather than the decision in itself. And as much as anyone would like it, the conclusion is reached together. Not me, not you, not your parents. That’s hardly philosophical if you remember the rule of thumb, because if he/she is worth the hassle to scratch your head whether or not to striker of THAT name, there’s some explaining to be done. In fact, there’s a helpful conclusion to this; if you’re still unresolved about this man/woman being at your wedding by the time the invitations need to be sent out, then he/she shouldn’t be invited. Simple, isn’t it?

Dr. Finner Williams believes it’s unfortunate that many people hold on to relationships that they think are much more special than they really are simply because they’ve known their ex for a number of years.

She warns future newlyweds to focus on their current relationship and avoid any situations that may cause either partner to feel uncomfortable.

“The time factor is irrelevant now,” she says. “You are now going into a new relationship where your husband or wife-to-be is the one whose relationship and feelings have to be superior to all of your history.”

“It doesn’t matter how long that per son has been in your life. It doesn’t matter if that person shares blood with you or not. In order to establish an atmosphere of trust in the relationship and for the question of infidelity to be dismissed, a couple needs to be comfortable with the friendships, relationships and socializations that their partners or the engaged person has.”

That’s just what the expert says. The more common user-defined experience would be, “if we’re great friends (after breaking-up), then why not?”. And so that’s where the “certain situation” thing comes into place. It’s almost always different with everyone, the time horizon, the places they met, the things they did, the words they said to each other.

A word of advice given to a user who sought advice on this was very simply put; if this person that you’re going to invite is still going to be prominent afther the wedding day, we’ve got some serious discussions that need to be done. In marriage, your friends are your partner’s friends. And your partner’s friends are yours too. If this friendship is going to make things awkward for the both of you, a solution must arise, be it ended or accepted. But be reasonable, and listen.

So my unapproving eyes met this user who described a friend (her ex) that she “CAN’T NOT have at the wedding cos he means so much to me”, who knew her husband to be from high school, and didn’t get along well. She and him were friends before she got together with her husband. Best (worst) part is she knows her fiance is not comfortable about it, but he’ll want her to be happy and invite the whole world. kidding, but you get the point.

She concludes by saying, “why must i destroy my friendships just because i’m getting married?”.

History should be kept away from the present for a very simple fact; history MAY repeat itself in the future. The mutualities that we share with another person is like playing with fire, we’re threading on thin ice knowing very likely we could fall. There’s just no excuse to say i tried and failed at marriage when we let a closed chapter make a comeback in a new book.

I subscribe to the above doctrine that says the length of time does not matter spent with a previous person does not matter, and should never be weighed into the current relationship, more so marriage. And the reason why no other friendship should mean more than your marriage is because your partner’s happiness is above it all. This is where the “blindly, over the moon and i’ll do anything and everything for you” period stops because marriage didn’t change a single thing for the both of you. Before marriage we’d think, i hope he/she never changes and we’ll stay like this forever. But a change is necessary. After marriage, you’ve gotta give it even more. Love each other more. Not less. Not even same. And when you go through your wedding album, you’re very likely not to want to see anyone else since no one else but yourselves got married that night.